2 posts tagged “books”
Extract from the book, "The Art of Happiness, A handbook for living" by HH Dalai Lama & Howard C. Cutler
'I
answered that from my point of view, the highest happiness is when one
reaches the stage of Liberation, at which there is no more suffering.
That's genuine, lasting happiness. True happiness relates more to the
mind and heart. Happiness that depends mainly on physical pleasure is
unstable; one day it's there, the next day it may not be.'
On the surface, it seemed like a fairly obvious observation; of course, happiness and pleasure were two different things. And yet, we human beings are often quite adept at confusing the two. Not long after I returned home, during a therapy session with a patient, I was to have a concrete demonstration of just how powerful that simple realization can be.
Heather was a young single professional working as a counselor in the Phoenix area. Although she enjoyed her job working with troubled youth, for some time she had become increasingly dissatisfied with living in the Phoenix area. She often complained about the growing population, the traffic, and the oppressive heat in the summer. She had been offered a job in a beautiful small town in the mountains. In fact, she had visited that town many times and had always dreamed of moving there. It was perfect. The only problem was the fact that the job she was offered involved an adult clientele. For weeks, she had been struggling with the decision of whether to accept the new job. She just couldn't make up her mind. She tried making up a list of pros and cons, but the list was annoyingly even
She explained, 'I know I wouldn't enjoy the work as much as my job here, but that would be more than compensated for by the pure pleasure of living in that town! I really love it there. Just being there makes me feel good. And I'm so sick of the heat here. I just don't know what to do.'
Her mention of the term 'pleasure' reminded me of the Dalai Lama's words, and, probing a bit, I asked, 'Do you think that moving there would bring you greater happiness or greater pleasure?'
She paused for a moment, uncertain what to make of the question. Finally, she answered, 'I don't know. You know, I think it would bring me more pleasure than happiness . . . Ultimately, I don't think I'd really be happy working with that clientele. I really do get a lot of satisfaction working with the kids at my job . . .'
Simply re-framing her dilemma in terms of, 'Will it bring me happiness? seemed to provide a certain clarity. Suddenly, it became much easier to make her decision. She decided to remain in Phoenix. Of course, she still complained about the summer heat. But having made the conscious decision to remain there on the basis of what she felt would ultimately make her happier somehow made the heat more bearable.
If we are to develop an intimate When an action doesn't
relationship, we need to know
each other's desires. If we wish
to love each other, we need to
know what the other person wants
come naturally to you, it is
a greater expression of love.
The five love languages:
Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:
"You look sharp in that suit."
"Do you ever look nice in that dress! Wow!"
"You must be the best potato cook in the world. I love these potatoes,"
"I really appreciate you washing the dishes tonight."
"Thanks for getting the baby-sitter lined up for tonight. I want you to know I don't take that for granted."
"I really appreciate your taking the garbage out."
By "quality time", I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don't mean sitting on the couch watching television together. When you spend time that way, ABC or NBC has your attention - not your spouse. What I mean is sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, giving each other your undivided attention. It means taking a walk, just the two of you or going out to eat and looking at each other and talking. Have you noticed that in a restaurant, you can almost tell the difference between a dating couple and a married couple? Dating couples look at each other and talk. Married couples sit there and gaze around the restaurant. You'd think they went there to eat!
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, "Look, he was thinking of me," or, "She remembered me." You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn't matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him. And it is not the thought inplanted only in the mind that counts, but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.
Actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, washing dishes (I hate washing dishes!), vacuuming, cleaning a commode, getting hairs out of sink, removing the white spots from the mirror, getting bugs off windshield, taking out the garbage, changing the baby's diaper, painting a bedroom, dusting the bookcase, keeping the car in operating condition, washing or vacuuming the car, cleaning the garage, mowing the grass, trimming the shrubs, raking the leaves, dusting the blinds, walking the dog, changing the cat's litter box, and changing water in the goldfish bowl are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expression of love.
Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one's spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.
Sexual intercourse, however, is only one dialect in the love language of physical touch. Of the five senses, touching, unlike the other four, is not limited to one localized area of body. Tiny, tactile receptors are located throughout the body. When those receptors are touched or pressed, nerves carry brain impulses and we perceive that the thing that touched us is warm or cold, hard or soft. It causes pain or pleasure. We may also interpret it as loving or hostile. Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love. To the person whose primary love language is physical touch, the message will be far louder than the words "I hate you" or "I love you". A slap in the face is deterimental to any child, but it is devastating to a child whose primary love language is touch. A tender hug communicates love to any child, but it shouts love to the child whose primary love language is physical touch. The same is true of adults.
Love touches may be explicit and demand your full attention such as in a back rub or sexual foreplay, culminating in intercourse. On the other hand, love touches may be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee or rubbing your body against him as you pass in the kitchen.
After years of research, I have realized what a unique situation Mark and Mary presented to me. Seldom do I meet a couple who both have the same love language. For both Mark and Mary, "acts of service" was their primary love language. Hundreds of individuals can identify with eirther Mark or Mary and acknowledge that the primary way that they feel loved is by acts of service on the part of their spouse. Putting away shoes, changing a baby's diaper, washing dishes or a car, vacuuming, or mowing speaks volumes to the individual whose primary love language is acts of service.
You may be wondering, If Mark and Mary had the same primary love language, why were they having so much difficulty? The answer lies in the fact that they were speaking different dialects. They were doing things for each other but not the most important things. When they were forced to think concretely, they easily identified their specific dialects. For Mary it was washing the car, changing the baby's diaper, vacuuming the floor, and mowing the grass, whereas for Mark it was making up the bed, washing the baby's face, putting the shoes in the closet, and having supper underway when he got home from work. When they started speaking the right dialects, their love tanks began to fill. Since acts of service was their primary love language, learning each other's specific dialect was relatively easy for them.
Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other.
He was speaking love, and he was sincere, but she did not understand his language. Perhaps she was looking for love in his behavior and didn't see it. Being sincere is not enough. We must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.
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