If you heard there was a weapon proven to prevent most crimes (including picking a dangerous partner) before it happened, would you run out and buy it?
World-renowned security expert Gavin de Becker says this weapon exists, but you already have it. He calls it "the gift of fear."
The story of a woman named Kelly begins with a simple warning sign. A man offers to help carry her groceries into her apartment — and instantly, Kelly doesn't like the sound of his voice. Kelly goes against her gut and lets him help her — and in doing so, she lets a rapist into her home.
"We get a signal prior to violence," Gavin says. "There are pre-incident indicators. Things that happen before violence occurs."
Gavin says that unlike any other living creature, humans will sense danger, yet still walk right into it.
"You're in a hallway waiting for an elevator late at night. The elevator door opens, and there's a guy inside, and he makes you afraid. You don't know why, you don't know what it is. And many women will stand there and look at that guy and say, 'Oh, I don't want to think like that. I don't want to be the kind of person who lets the door close in his face. I've got to be nice. I don't want him to think I'm not nice.'
And so human beings will get into a steel soundproof chamber with someone they're afraid of, and there's not another animal in nature that would even consider it."
Gavin says that "eerie feelings" is exactly what he wants people to pay attention to. "We're trying to analyze the warning signs," he says. "And what I really want to teach today and forever is the feeling of the warning sign. All the other stuff is our explanation for the feeling. Why it was this, why it was that. The feeling itself IS the warning sign."
How the Gift of Fear Can Save Your Life
(click on link below)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYnFbHNvhkM
Worry VS Fear
How do you know if it’s true fear?
True fear, is always in respond to something you sense right now. You hear it, you smell it, you taste it, you feel it. It’s in this room, it’s here.
Worry, is always in respond to something in your imagination or your memory.
Here’s the funny example:
You’re getting on an aeroplane in the airport. You’re afraid that the plane’s gonna crash. Why? Is it a news program that you saw about a plane crash, that would mean memory or imagination, which means it’s worry.
Or is it seeing the pilot, stumble out of the bar drunk? That would mean it’s in your environment.
You can have a feeling of fear, but if it’s not present in your environment, then it’s from your imagination or memory.
More Youtube Video (click on blue links to watch):
Gavin de Becker - Gift of Fear - Oprah - Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1U8G1dOCLs
Gavin de Becker - Gift of Fear - Oprah - Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cA3vaRNH8A
One night in late August, I was completely asleep. And I heard my name shouted: “Dorothy!” So I was laying down right here, facing my TV. I turned to my left shoulder and I saw a knife about this big. I could see the reflection of my TV in the blade…
Gavin de Becker - Gift of Fear - Oprah - Part 3http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38hFr96pTO4
Gavin de Becker - Gift of Fear - Oprah - Part 5
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6ZYc_6nL9Q
你的身边啊一定会有这种人。明明不是小妹，却帮着大家跑腿。明明自己很忙，却从来都不敢拒绝别人的要求。因为啊，她很平凡。不只长相平凡、个性平凡，就连她的名字，也有够平凡的。
我的个性呢，说好听一点，是善解人意、乐于助人。就算自己吃亏，也完全不会跟人家计较。但其实，我是个胆小鬼！我是一个怕拒绝人家、怕得罪人家，就算吃了亏也不敢吭声，一个彻彻底底没有自我的人！没有个性...就是我的个性。
Translation:
I'm sure there must be someone like her existing around you. Even though she's not anyone's personal butler, she helps everyone do their personal errands and work. Even when she's got her own hands full with her own work, she never have the heart to turn anyone away. Why? Because she's just someone very plain and ordinary. She looks ordinary, her character is ordinary, even her name, is ordinary.
My character? If you want it to sound sweeter, you could put it as someone understanding and helpful. Many times even when I have to suffer silently, I will also do so willingly and not complain/protest or argue with anyone. But the fact is, I'm just a COWARD!!! I am somebody who is afraid to reject people and offend people, hence even if I'm on the losing end, I will also keep quiet about the whole affair. I am somebody who totally have no sense of self at all! I don't even own a character... and that is... my character. *smiles*
If you must love your neighbor as yourself, it is at least as fair to love yourself as your neighbor. ~Nicholas de Chamfort
The problem never lies outside of us. When we blame people, we turn them into the enemy. They’re not. They’re a mirror of how we feel about ourselves. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you’ll listen to people when they tell you that you’re not good enough. If you abuse yourself and tell yourself you’re not good enough, you’ll listen to people who abuse you. But if you believe in your inner beauty, you’ll listen to the people who tell you how wonderful you are. If you believe in your inner goodness, you won’t have time for people who abuse you.
If I despised myself, it would be no compensation if everyone saluted me, and if I respect myself, it does not trouble me if others hold me lightly. ~Max Nordau
Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners. ~Laurence Sterne
The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self-respect springs. ~Joan Didion
To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves - there lies the great, singular power of self-respect. ~Joan Didion
If you want to be respected by others the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you. ~Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Read these from certain blogs and newsletters.
http://weblog.xanga.com/MuseErato/649217123/blacklisting-8220nice8221-guys.html
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Blacklisting “nice” guys
They are as undesirable as himbos and man-whores in a relationship. They have earned a place in my Black Book of men to stay away from along with video gamers, alcoholics, women beaters, convicts, and Prince Charming (because all women should stay away from imaginary men). I’m talking about the “nice” guy.
Before everybody roll their eyes and accuse me of being one of those girls, I would first like to define who a "nice" guy is so there are no misunderstandings. And I'll take the definition straight out of the famous "Ode to the Nice Guys" essay. Yes, a “nice” guy is everything the author says a “nice” guy should be. He is the chump who will give up a raid on WoW to listen to a girl bitch about how assholic her boyfriend and the rest of mankind are, comfort her when she whines about gaining 1.289 lbs., and be a reserve on her backup to her backup date list.
Note how I have used quotation marks in describing the “nice’ guy. This is because I think the adjective "nice" is very misleading. It's actually an euphemism, a travesty. In my world, I have another name for them: pussies.
Guys like the one described in the essay realize how unreasonable the girl is but still comfort and assure her. Good job for encouraging for such pathetic behavior. These guys have not only compromised themselves, they also knowingly and willingly allowed themselves to be used and walked all over. If they just complacently listen to the girl rant about how all men are pigs, then they really have no balls. Because only women and gay men would agree to such generalizations.
The male friends that I have and respect would never let me use them like that. I remember once confiding in my friend Theo before I broke up with my then current boyfriend. I didn’t want to do it because I was scared to hurt my boyfriend’s feelings. I cried and pulled the “poor me” speech. He threw a bag of chips at me and told me to shut the fuck up because I was being stupid. (He was also embarrassed because other people were staring.) I wanted to kick him, but I also appreciated his honesty.
When I say I don’t go for “nice” guys, what I’m really saying is that I don’t go for tools, pushovers, and pansies. Because I like nice guys who open doors, listen when I talk, and take care of me when I’m shit-faced, but I also like them with balls – someone to put me in place when needed.
From Newsletters:
Most common practices on dates (which many still 'believe' works)
can make a guy go backwards instead of forward.
I call it the 'commonly-believed-but-seldom-work' version of dating.
For instance, most guys commonly believe the purpose of a date with
a woman is to "get to know each other better"
Problem is...
... a guy may set out to "know" a gal till his brains explode but
at the end of the day... she still DON'T have much liking for him.
(If you ever have THAT experience, you'll understand what I'm
talking about)
I'm not saying discovering more about the girl is not important
but...
... you must cause INTEREST to come out of her within the same time frame on a date.
It's like a wise mentor once knocked some sense into me, saying -
"You get a lot of info about the girl, but I'd rather you get a lot
of LIKING from her."
So there needs to be a MAJOR shift in the way you date women.
"Doing anything for the girl won't work if she didn't like you in
the first place."
I stress the idea of - having the girl attracted to you BEFORE
anything else.
Most guys got the sequence messed up by first showering the girl with soft toys, fine-dining, self-made presents and so on.
Problem is, if the lady didn't like the guy in the first place,
it'll look like he is buying his way through.
Cruel truth I know... but many males have lived through an incident
where they do so much for a gal but a new guy simply pops along and
become her boyfriend within days.
[If that happened to you, lose the baggage, know what doesn't work
and move on.]
Once again... having her massively LIKE you must always be the
"first line of action"... and any competition that comes along the
way won't matter because she wants you already.
Second point: Have you ever gotten courtship advice (from maybe an
uncle) which says, "Know the girl, MAKE FRIENDS with her first and
develop from there"?
Yikes.
My opinion is - the "make friends" part may be taken too heavily by
some males and they end up NOT getting the girl.
Because if you want to bond with the lady in an intimate
relationship, shouldn't you POSITION yourself as a "lover figure" in her mind, as opposed to a "friend figure"?
If she sees you as a friend figure, she sees you as an everyday
person.
If she sees you as a lover figure, she wants you to be INTIMATE with her.
Call it anything... lover, mate or boyfriend... but you must create the environment in her mind to have her view you as potentially a man she desires to have intimacy with.
Another LIMITING message that seems to come from an older
generation is, "To get the girl, be friends with her first." (shiver...)
Oh no...
I can firmly tell you, when a man finds a lady he likes, and he
positions himself as a potential friend (instead of as a potential
lover) in her mind, very often the most he can end up is... as her friend.
A friend of mine has a male colleague who's what you'd call the
ultimate nice guy (maybe TOO overly-nice for his own good). He
cares for every detail for a gal when he's out with one.
Typically he'd ask the girl what she likes to eat... where she
wants to go after dinner... whether the place they're in is too
cold for her etc...
He'd frequently check with the girl to see if everything's alright.
At first sight, many might think such sensitivity would have the
girl think that this guy is of 'boyfriend material'.
But no. What he's facing currently is... women seldom go out with
him again for the second time (as of this writting, he's still
trying to figure out why his concerns would repel the ladies).
Put it this way,
Women are fed-up with men without directions.
In our example, his actions may be well-intended but from an
attraction standpoint, he presents himself as wishy-washy and
indecisive. No directions whatsoever. It seems like he requires a
'permission slip' from the girl every few minutes.
So once again, when I mentioned "displaying a reasonable amount of
authority during the interaction", I DON'T mean being a male-chauvinist.
Instead, I mean:
- You project self-control and know what you want.
- You give yourself permission to have fun while you're out with
a lady.
- You can take-charge of the entire dating scenario.
Remember, you govern your own male-strength. Women are attracted by
If you have a place in mind to bring a lady to, lead her there.
There's no need to check to make sure all is alright with
her before you proceed. You can always have other venues to lead
her to if the original place doesn't fit well.
how you manage this strength.
How to Have 'Zero Nervousness' Conversations With Women...
If you're like most guys, talking to an 'ultra plain-jane' (or a
gal whom you have NO attraction)... will be a piece of cake.
liking for, it's likely your mouth will self-censor itself and the
brain cannot come up fast enough with things to say.
Years back, such a scene happened to me more often than I can
remember. I behaved in manners that backfired --- namely, to
inspect EVERY little word in my mind before I say it to an attractive girl... hoping it wouldn't 'offend' her.
Needless to say, that alone causes unnecessary build-up of pressure and nervousness in the body. Often the gal gets stressed as well when she picked up nervous clues in the interaction.
As I realised (eventually), trying to come across as a guy who "self-checks" constantly while in front of women... actually diminishes the guy.
Here's a way to break out of it.
During your social interaction with women, instead of thinking
every sentence you say must impress them, and instead of processing every word to ensure they're safe to say...
... think of the whole thing as --- You're just someone who is
enjoying himself.
That's right, change gears in your mind from one intention to
another.
You're NOT out to get her to swoon over your words. Instead, you're enjoying interaction as it is.
It's a chat. And you see it as an amusing process.
I assure you, nervousness WON'T creep in because...
... no matter how desirable a lady is, she has NO INFLUENCE on how much you want to enjoy yourself.
Seriously, go use it next time you find yourself talking to a lady
of likable quality.
You'll realise how well you handle the interactions.
Afternote:
to mah dearest darling,
be who you are boldly, loud and proud, if you want someone to accept you for who you are. There is no other way to go about it. However, at the same time, be mindful of what the other person needs instead of thrusting your own ideals upon that someone. It's not fair isn't it? As much as you wanted to be accepted for who you are, it is only fair to understand the other person for who she is instead of who you think she is.
Mummy always tell ya, logic. Think of it this way, a plate of rice that is going to satisfy you will not have the same effect on your uncle. It will be too little for him. Same thing, what works for you may not work for other people. When you think you are showering kindness on others, it might come to you as a surprise that they see it as no kindness at all. Why waste your effort this way and incur undue wrath at the same time? Darling, mummy always say, you have a mind, think. Mummy cannot be there for you all the time and neither do I hope you grow up to be a mummy's boy. That's a sure guarantee it's going to turn off the girl of your dreams. And you don't want that don't you?
Argue not for the sake of argument. Peel away all that hurtful tonality and see for yourself if there's any truth in what a person say. If it's nothing but just personal attack, why bother? Let it roll off your shoulders. If there's merit in what they say, shouldn't you thank them for bringing the matter up to you?
Love,
Mummy
Darling, I want you to listen and watch this video carefully. It is so inspiring! This guy has pancreatic (a gland, situated near the stomach, that secretes a digestive fluid into the intestine through one or more ducts and also secretes the hormone insulin) cancer. He knows that he is dying even though he has been fighting cancer very hard with surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. This is what he has to say (video added 28 Jan 08):
"Experience is what you get, when you don't get what you wanted."
"Now my mother... Mothers are people who love you even when you pull their hair."
I like this part where he talks about People Vs. Things and that People are more important than things.
"It's a thing. It's just a thing."
"And never, ever, underestimate the power of having fun."
"Work and play well with others."
"A good apology has 3 parts:
1) I am sorry
2) It was my fault
3) How do I make it right? "
Don't complain; just work harder.
"And lastly, I don't think complaining and whining solves the problem"
"If you live properly, the dreams will come to you."
http://www.drbeetle.com/lemming.html
http://www.hww.ca/hww2.asp?pid=1&id=91&cid=8
Lemmings have an interesting biology that might appear to lead to population control through suicide. They are small rodents about 120 mm long, feed on plants and mosses, and during the winter live in burrows under the snow.
